To Who it Concerns

Jack Link’s Beef Jerky - Sasquatch Killers?

I bought a bag of Jack’s Links Beef Jerky yesterday. It was good, but not eight bucks good. Then I remembered this was the company that had those commercials featuring Bigfoot. It got me thinking…

To Who it Concerns,

Let me start by saying I’m a big fan of Jack Link’s Beef Jerky. Three hundred seventy-five pounds big. And as far as my unemployment check is concerned, it doesn’t get any better than your original flavor. Not to say I wouldn’t turn down a free bag of teriyaki. Unless I found that bag in a trash-can on the corner of 6th and Main Street. Sure, I may reconsider if the bag were completely sealed, but I seriously doubt I’d get to a sealed bag of Jack Link’s Teriyaki Beef Jerky in a trash-can before a homeless man. (Hoo-boy they can be vicious. Especially the paint huffers).

But I digress. Your “Messin’ With Sasquatch” commercials bring me great pleasure. Especially when I’m simultaneously eating a bag of Jack Link’s. I often wake the young man I keep locked in my closet with my boisterous laughing. But here’s the problem. I also feel guilty. Guilty because, as your campaign suggests, your beef jerky is made from the endangered Sasquatch species. I mean, the Bigfoot is a dying breed that’s becoming increasingly difficult to spot in a wooden area. Don’t even get me started on trying to take a picture of one. And although a Sasquatch tastes absolutely delicious (especially when marinated in soy, ginger and a little onion), I think it’s completely inappropriate for your company to slaughter these poor, defenseless creatures for your monetary benefit. I know you have stockholders to answer to, but geez, do you not feel remorseful for them? Or do you only feel hunger?

My point is this: if you continue with this tasty behavior, it will soon be impossible to find a Sasquatch anywhere. It’ll be as if they never existed… make-believe like a unicorn. Can’t you guys just make beef jerky like the rest of the world - from cows and horses and bald eagles? After all, bald eagles taste pretty good. Maybe not as good as a fresh Bigfoot, but close enough. Or you could poach Yetis for a while. I know first hand those guys are a-holes. Worse than the paint-huffing bums on 6th and Main.

So please, Jack Link’s, reconsider making your beef jerky out of Sasquatch. It’s the least you could do to preserve a special species of man-monkeys.

Thank you,

Ryan Durr

JACK LINK’S RESPONSE:

Dear Ryan,

Thanks for your comments regarding our new ad campaign! We’re glad you’re enjoying it. And rest assured that no Sasquatch was harmed in either the production of the ad or the production of our product.

To see all four of Jack Link’s new Messin’ with Sasquatch commercials, as well as the made-for-internet-only alternate endings, visit www.jacklinks.com or www.messinwithsasquatch.com. While you’re there, check out the new games, downloads, and Sasquatch’s personal journal, or link to Sasquatch’s personal MySpace page.

Thanks, again, for your comments – we appreciate the fact that you took the time to drop us a line. Have a great day and don’t forget to Feed Your Wild Side with Jack Link’s Beef Jerky!

Best Regards,

Rus Maki Consumer Relations Specialist

Jack Link’s Beef Jerky

HOMAX – HOME IMPROVEMENT PRODUCTS

True story. My wife and I purchased a can of paint remover and couldn’t open it. I’m serious, we tried for over 30 minutes. I got angry and hulked out. My wife got angry because I got angry. Things were broken. Things were said. It was bad. Real bad. So I wanted to let Homax know what they put us through.

To Who it Concerns,

Last weekend, my wife and I bought a can of Jasco Paint Remover. Our plan was to strip some purple paint off this old armoire we recently inherited. Like any armoire has the business of being purple, you know? It’s like keeping your clothes inside a gutted Barney. Remember him? Not pretty. Whatever happened to Barney anyway? Is he still doing his show?

Anyway. We wanted to strip this damn thing and stain it a nice, rich dark finish. We really wanted to, but we couldn’t. Not because we were sidetracked by “Lost Episodes of Little People Big World”, but because we couldn’t open the can of paint remover.

That’s right. We were completely unable to open your brand of Jasco Paint Remover. The top wouldn’t budge an inch. Now, I’ll admit, I’ve had my fair share of trouble with childproof caps on aspirin and cough syrup bottles. But I always prevail. Always.

So I pushed down and twisted slowly – just like the instructions said. Nothing. I pushed down harder and twisted harder. Nada (that’s Spanish for nothing). I actually worked this thing so hard and so long my knuckles started to bleed. That’s what she said. Then I called my neighbor and asked him to come over and help. His name is Bruce Banner, he’s a doctor and is pretty strong under the right circumstances. So Dr. Banner came over and I tried to make him angry – even though you wouldn’t like him when he’s angry. He got all pissed and tore off his shirt, ripped his purple pants – the whole nine yards – and then he tried opening that stupid can of Jasco paint remover. Guess what? Even he couldn’t open it!

So I’m asking you, what can we do? Is this a defective can of Jasco? Am I opening it wrong? Should I take an axe to it? Should I try to open it with a flame or intense heat? Please, please let me know. My wife, myself and Dr. Bruce Banner are all awaiting your reply.

Thank you,

Ryan Durr

WILLIAM DURR – AN ATTORNEY AT LAW?

My name is William Durr. So you can imagine my surprise when I googled my name for the first time and found some a-hole attorney with the same name. An attorney, huh? I decided to fight fire with fire.

Dear Soon-Not-To-Be William Durr,

This is a notice to immediately cease and desist using the name William Durr.

It has come to my attention that you have been using said name illegally for years. Whoever gave you authorization to use this name did not have the appropriate authority. If you fail to comply with this email, then legal actions will be taken and you will be prosecuted to the fullest extent.

The state of Texas recognizes the name, William Durr, as my registered trademark since the 6th of January, 1982.

If you prefer avoiding any legal discourse, a possible solution would be for you to change the spelling of your name. I was thinking something like Will-yum Derr, or Wilyam Duer. There is no limit to your possibilities. Those two were off the top of my head. One could change it to something totally unique, if one were so inclined – which you now legally are inclined to do.

I actually think you may prefer a new spelling of your name. It could add any lacking zing to your law practice. Your new tag line could go: “Will-Yum Derr, Attorney at Law. We Will-yum get your money!”

If you do not comply with this letter – penalization under Texas Code W765-S6001 could result in a maximum of 5 years in a federal “pound me in the ass” penitentiary and/or monetary fines to the tune of some $600, which will be directed toward William Durr (me, not you).

Thank you for your time and good luck with the name change.

The One. The Only. William Durr

Spam Email - A Thank You Card

If the subject line is good enough, I’ll open and read spam. This one caught my attention (who the hell is this Ryan Gillin?) and inspired me to reply. This post starts off with the spam followed by my response.

From: delina@2YearRetirementPlan.com

To: ry15an@hotmail.com

Subject: I’m trying to reach Ryan Gillin

Hello Ryan,

My name is Delina Villa and I’m writing you this e-mail from my home office here in Boise, Idaho. The reason for this e-mail is that you and I share something in common…

At some point in our lives we contemplated or tried to start a home-based business. Don’t worry; I’m not trying to sell you anything. I just want to ask you a simple question. “If I helped you start a part-time internet business from your home and in two years you were able to quit your job or possibly retire… would you send me a Thank You card?”

If your answer is “Yes”, that you would send me a “thank-you” card and that you would like to learn more, please take the informative tour by clicking the site; http://www.2YearRetirementPlan.com

Thank you so much for your time.

Sincerely,

Delina Villa (DLV Enterprises)

MY RESPONSE:

Hello Delina,

I’ve thought long and hard about your question and my answer is no. No, I probably wouldn’t send you a thank you card. And while helping me start an Internet business with the possibility of retiring in two years is a helluva gesture, I just don’t think it’s worthy of a thank you card. Besides, have you seen the thank you card selection this season? If you haven’t, they’re terrible. Really. I mean, you’d expect something decent from Hallmark since they’re pretty much the powerhouse of greeting cards, but it seems as of late they’ve simply lost their touch. I don’t know if it’s the writers or what, but they need to do something.

I’ll tell you what kind of cards I do like, though, Ziggy. Man, those are funny. Sure, the comic strip has always been good. Classic even. But the Ziggy greeting cards… wow. In my opinion they’re some of Tom Wilson II’s greatest work ever. For instance, there’s a Ziggy card that shows a chalkboard with “thank you” written repeatedly on it and Ziggy standing there saying “Thanks a million.” Get it? Because he wrote out the phrase “thank you” a million times. Ha! If I could find that exact card, maybe… just maybe I’d send it to you. But I haven’t seen that card in a long time. Ah, good ol’ Ziggy.

You know, if you ever do start that Internet business, you should think of naming it something clever and interesting like Ziggy. You don’t forget a name like that. And if you want a successful business, you want people to remember the name.

I guess all that’s left to say is, “thank you”.

Ryan Durr

THE T-SHIRT KING – AN ONLINE SHIRT DEPOT

Before American Apparel and nine hundred thousand other online t-shirt wholesalers, there was the T-shirt King. I was looking for a shirt called The Businessman. I don’t remember where I saw it. All I knew was that it looked like a tuxedo t-shirt, except this depicted a regular tie and a sports coat lapel. Naturally, I was in need of the King’s help.

Dear T-shirt King,

May thy be so bold as to call thee Sire?

Sire, thou seems to face a mighty problem. Thee calls thyself the T-shirt King, when in fact, thee may or may not be. Hark, I have been on a gallant quest to find a rare beauty of a t-shirt. It is known only as “The Businessman” and its beauty is exceeded only by its legacy. This magnificent shirt depicts a three-piece suit sporting a very fashionable pin-stripe pattern. It may or may not be considered a distant cousin to the “Tuxedo” shirt, which thee so proudly offers.

Legend has it an evil Spanish wench cast “The Businessman” away to a desolate land where neither man or woman would ever be able to find and cherish the splendor of wearing it. Sire, if thee can muster the courage to find this mystical shirt, and grant thou the privilege of purchasing it; thou has saved many shillings from my wife’s dowry and have carried the burden of my father’s last wish to wear this Pegasus of a shirt.

Sire, thank you for your most honorable time.

With Utmost regards,

Sir Ryan Durr of the Dentonites

SERTA – A MATTRESS MANUFACTURER

We’ve all seen those commercials for Serta mattresses. You know, the ones that star those talking sheep that protest because no one needs to count them anymore. I wondered who was responsible for those sheep.

To Whom it Concerns,

First, let me start off by telling you how much I love your Serta “Perfect Sleeper Ultra Edge 848” mattress. I don’t think I’ve ever slept this well. But because of your mattress, I now sleep for days at a time. Take last January for instance. I don’t remember it. Why? Because I slept through the entire month. That’s how good your mattress is.

I really only have one complaint, though, and it’s a minor one. I, like so many of your other customers, had to count sheep in order to fall asleep on my old mattress. I then purchased a Serta thinking I would no longer need the sheep. Well, it’s been 4 months since owning the Ultra Edge 848 and the sheep still haven’t left. It’s not really a huge problem because I mostly sleep through their ruckus. But during the times I am not sleeping, I find huge mounds of sheep shit in my house, garbage scattered all over, dirty hoof prints on my hardwood floors, massive hunks of wool floating about and “sheep throw up” containing things I can’t even fathom.

Now, I will admit their incessant talking no longer annoys me. In fact, when I’m lonely it’s quite welcoming. But let me tell you, they have overstayed their welcome! If Serta could help in any way, I would be very grateful. If you could somehow dispose of the sheep in a non-violent manner, that would be the best. Maybe just lure them to someone else’s house with carrots. I have many enemies who don’t own Serta mattresses, so maybe we could sneak the sheep to their house. Do sheep even eat carrots?

I’ll let you decide what to do. In fact, if you help me, I will purchase two or three more Serta 848 mattresses and stack them on top of each other to get maximum comfort.

Thank you,

Ryan Durr

IMAGINARY GIRLFRIENDS – AN ONLINE DATING SERVICE

Yeah, it exists. ImaginaryGirlfriends.com. For a small nominal fee, this company will send you love letters, gifts, text messages and pictures so you could prove to all your friends that you did, in fact, have a supermodel girlfriend living in Canada. Genius.

To Who it Concerns,

Thank you. Thank you so much for your services. I have been waiting 22 years for something like this. I can’t tell you how hard it’s been for me growing up trying to find my best friend a girlfriend. I always tried approaching and talking to females for him. But things just never worked out the way I planned, if you know what I mean, and I think you do or else you’d be out of business.

I’m sure you can imagine how shitty it feels being turned down countless times. Well, no more of that! Finally, I can set my best friend in the whole world up with someone. I mean, how perfect, an imaginary girlfriend for my imaginary friend!

Gregory, my imaginary friend, is my best friend in the world. Always has been and always will. But, let me tell you something, listening to him bitch and moan for 22 years about not getting any action – and I mean no action at all, not even a french kiss – gets pretty annoying. I mean Jesus, after a while you just get tired of sympathizing with the poor bastard. Yeah sure, I tried setting him up with a couple of females. Hell, I once tried talking to a guy. But when they find out they’ve been set up on a blind date with an imaginary friend, they freak out. Drinks being thrown in the face? Yes, many times. Punches thrown? Absolutely (contrary to popular belief, girls can leave a bruise). Laughed at? God damn right. But hey, it was all worth it, he’s my best friend!

Do you know how hard it is to go to your imaginary friend and say, “Hey, sorry governor, no luck. She’s not into the whole imaginary thing”?

If I wasn’t around, I think Gregory would be really depressed. The poor guy must think nobody pays attention to him except me. But now he can have someone to relate to. Someone who knows what it’s like to be invisible. Someone who knows what it’s like to only be heard by one person. Someone who knows what it’s like being a 40-foot, three-armed Cyclops with mange.

What a world we live in. If it weren’t for you, Imaginary Girlfriend, Gregory would die a complete loser. Not like me, who will die an awesome dude!

Thank you,

Ryan Durr

MAC THORNBERRY – OUR TEXAS REPRESENTATIVE

Mac Thornberry is a U.S. Congressman whom, according to his biography, has strong ties in the U.S. House of Representatives. Being an active political Texas citizen, I had a very serious question for Mac. Very serious, indeed.

Dear Mac Thornberry,

I just wanted to let you know you are doing a great job and I’m glad I voted for you. But I have a serious problem. I can’t figure out, for the life of me, why Jean-Claude Van Damme’s latest movie, “The Replicant” went straight to video and wasn’t picked up by a production company for the big screen.

Do you know Mr. Van Damme? If so, could you please find out why his latest masterpiece is going straight to video. Please let him know there are tons of fans that can’t wait to see him back on the big screen. Also, does he really wear black silk underwear? And does he have a “bad to the bone” twin named Chad that lives in Hong Kong?

Mac, I was also wondering… when a bill is being considered for a law and it gets “pigeonholed”, why not just call that “pigeonfucked”? Cause it kinda fucks things up in the process. I mean, here is a representative trying to do good for his county and there goes the Senate again pigeonfucking us.

So, I guess I’m asking you to get a bill going to legally change the name of pigeonholed to pigeonfucked. I have considered the possibility that those bastards might pigeonhole our new bill, but hey, tell them “Quit pigeonfucking my bill!” I think this could catch on quickly in the House. Maybe not the Senate though. (You may not know the actual definition for “pigeonfucking”. A pigeon fuck is when you are making love to a woman from behind and she grabs her ankles.) Mac, I’m not going to grab my ankles for the senate any more.

Thanks,

Ryan Durr